


Broken

by teenagedirtbag



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Angst, I AM SORRY, M/M, References to Suicide, Sad, Unrequited Love, selfharm, zarry - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-05-24
Updated: 2013-05-23
Packaged: 2017-12-12 19:20:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,211
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/815099
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/teenagedirtbag/pseuds/teenagedirtbag
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He avoids everyone and he keeps his sleeves rolled down, which he didn't normally do.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Broken

_Zayn Malik's cheerful._

He sat down in the couch at Liam Payne's house, a bottle of water on his right hand.  
Liam was hosting a party and he had been invited, since he was fairly new in town he didn't really know anyone...so he was just sitting, glancing at everybody managing to look-somewhat, incredibly lonely.

Suddenly he felt the side of the couch sink , he turned his head only to see a boy with chocolate brown curls and beautiful green eyes.  
"Hey, I'm Harry. You must be Zayn, am I right?"

Zayn raised both of his eyebrows, clearly shocked and confused as to how the boy knew his name ,"That would be me...how did you know my name?"

Harry cocked his head towards Liam direction, "I asked him. You looked lonely so I thought you might like the company."

"Well, er...thanks. I really wouldn't mind company." Zayn chuckled and offered his hand, "Is nice to meet you,Harry."

Harry smiled a full on dimpled smile, and took the other boy's hand, "It's nice to meet you too,Zayn."

_Zayn Malik is enthusiastic._

He actually looked forward to school because of Harry...which was incredibly unusual.

They became close friends in the span of two weeks and Harry had introduced him to some of his friends so he no longer felt as lonely and left out as he used to...and he was thankful for that.  
He couldn't understand why his days immediately lighted up whenever he saw Harry.  
He couldn't understand why he felt disappointed when a day passed by without talking to Harry.  
He couldn't understand why he forgot about anyone else when they were talking to each other.  
Over the next five days he had spent a lot of time at Harry's house, they had grown such good friends they felt comfortable with sharing secrets with each other.

And Harry _did_ share a secret with him.

He nudged Zayn with his shoulder as they sat on the couch in his house, "Hey, Zayn, I want to tell you something."

"Yeah?"

"Just promise not to ignore me after I tell you this,promise not to avoid me." Harry started...and Zayn instantly knew what was about to come.

 

He shrugged and looked at him straight in the eyes. "Let me guess...you are gay, aren't you?" he asked with a smile tugging at the corner of his mouth.

Harry, on the other hand, looked loss for words. "What? Did you knew all along?"

"Not exactly." Zayn answered biting his lip, "I've had a couple of gay friends before...and whenever they would tell me they'd start with the whole 'promise not to ignore me' thing...is kind of predictable, really."

And he mostly doesn't understand why knowing Harry was gay made him so... _happy._

_Zayn Malik is in denial._

He didn't want to ruin their friendship so he really didn't want to believe he was falling for Harry.  
You don't get friends like him everyday. You don't get friends who you can trust wholeheartedly without a single question asked.  
He just really, really didn't want to ruin his friendship with Harry.  
So what did he do to prevent that from happening?  
He tried not to get attached.  
Whenever Harry asked him to drop by his house, he refused and said he was busy at home.  
Whenever he talked to him, he said he had to do something and runned off. And guess what?  
Harry did stop talking to him after a few days. And he really wasn't sure whether to feel glad or not.

He called Liam for help. Liam told him ' _to sort out his feelings_ ', whatever the hell that was supposed to mean.

He said that if Zayn really felt something towards Harry he didn't need to battle it and try to deny it.

He tells Zayn to just think about what he feels and he'll know.  
He didn't completely understand what Liam said but he did it anyway.  
He thought about how Harry made him so happy. He thought about how Harry made him smile and laugh easily with his quirky dorkiness.  
He thought about how Harry pulls him out of a bad day with just a simple smile of his.  
He thought about how he felt a knot in his stomach with the simple thought of never talking to him again.  
And he just knew.

 

 

_Zayn Malik is in love._  
  
Zayn starts talking to Harry again, who doesn't seem so happy about having been ignore for the past couple of days.

But he forgives Zayn anyways.

They start hanging out again and Zayn's a bit more touchy than usual ...not that Harry notices.  
When they reach Harry's house, Zayn is more than enthusiastic because he has been planning to confess to him how he really feels.  
He prays nothing would go wrong and he hopes he remembers everything he has planned to say.  
Harry removes his shoes at the front door and Zayn does the same.  
The younger boy walks into the kitchen and takes the left-over food from yesterday to heat it up. "Zayn, you wouldn't mind eating spaghetti, right?"

"No, not at all."

A couple of minutes pass and Zayn and Harry are sitting down on the floor watching an extremely boring film.

However, Zayn doesn't really mind because Harry is sitting right beside him ( and he feels giddy ).

In the middle of the film Harry turns to Zayn with a little smile, " I want to tell you something."

He feels his heart beat against his chest rather hard and he nods, a bit excited at what his best friend's going to say.

He was expecting again. It didn't hurt to expect, right? After all, there was a big possibility that Harry would say he liked him too.

Great, that would definitely be great.

"Zayn, the thing is..." Harry starts. "I got a boyfriend."

He feels his heart shatter at just four simple words.

_Zayn Malik is brokenhearted._

Zayn doesn't cry when he gets home. He has been taught ever since he was a kid that men don't cry, so he _doesn't_.

Instead, he lies down on his bed and stares up at the ceiling, thinking about what Harry said.

He doesn't know how he survived that conversation.

Turns out, Harry's been dating a boy named Louis for the past couple of days, he remembers Louis from school. Louis was the kid who everyone liked, the kid who was funny without trying and rude but still people _liked him._

Louis and Harry had gotten close when Zayn was too busy drowning in denial.

Harry had described their meeting as _'perfect'_ and he immediately felt something _click_ between the two of them.

_How lucky...fantastic just fucking fantastic_ , he thinks to himself as he smiles bitterly up at the ceiling.

He doesn't know how he'll face Harry the next day but he tells himself he will do it...he will _try_.

The next day Zayn wakes up in a bad mood.

During school hours he's forced to work with Louis and Harry for an activity and the couple had been nothing but sweet to each other.

It hurts, if Zayn has to admit.

But what hurts the most was the fact that Harry didn't even say so much as a 'Hi' to him.

He goes home instead, rejecting Harry's offer for him to go to his flat. It wasn't because Louis was also going but because he'd rather not see them kissing or cuddling.

When he gets home, he doesn't say hello to his parents and goes straight up to his room.

He locks the door and throws his bag across the room.

...And it _just happens_.

He sinks down onto the floor, tears beginning to fall. They didn't stop flowing, as if there was a faucet left turned on behind his eyes.

He leans against the wall beside the door and brings his knees close to his chest pulling his hair in frustration.

Everything hurt. His head ached. But most of all, his heart was completely turned apart.

He isn't really one to break down and he wasn't used to this.

He wants to get rid of the pain in his chest.

So he stands up and walks over to the bathroom, grabbing the closest and sharpest thing he could find- which was the razor.

He pulled his left sleeve up and began scratching hard at his wrist before he sees some of the skin elevate a bit.

And he just started cutting hoping it'd take away that achingly empty feeling he feels in his the pit of his stomach.

_Zayn Malik is depressed._

He avoids everyone and he keeps his sleeves rolled down, which he didn't normally do.

His eyes were swollen and he had borrowed his sister's concealer to hide it a bit.

He sits alone at lunch(and he _did_ hope Harry would look at him and eat with him, but no.)

Harry did notice him and he smiles at him-wherein Zayn doesn't smile back nor even nods at him-but nevertheless, turned his attention back to Louis.

Is this how Harry really is? Does he really stop paying attention to his friends once he is in a relationship?

If so, then that's just sad.

As he's about to take a bite out of his sandwich, his tray was suddenly thrown to the ground.

He feels someone grab him by the collar and he finds himself eye to eye with the ''toughest'' guy in school.

_'What does he want?'_

"Hey,look! Someone's a bit lonely here, huh?" He says loudly, and the whole cafeteria suddenly goes quiet.

"What? What's happened to your friends?"

"Why does it matter to you?" Zayn hisses, trying to release the grip on his collar.

He doesn't know what he's done to him but it's pretty sad when he thinks about this boy. He takes pleasure in tormenting others. How terribly sorrowful, really.

The guy spits out a few more insults at him before violently shoving him against the table, throwing a punch directly at Zayn's jaw...and Zayn lets him. He doesn't fight back.

As soon as he's gone, he knows everyone's staring at him.

Since he hates attention he stands up grabbing his backpack, looking up only to find Liam with a worried look on his face. "Zayn, are you okay?" He asks.

Zayn just fakes a smile and nods before walking out of the cafeteria.

During dismissal he stays inside a cubicle on the restroom, wanting to stay away from everyone.

He hears someone and he knows it's Louis and Harry just from hearing their laughs.

"You're friends with that guy, right?" He hears Louis ask.

He tenses up, holding his breath.

"Yeah. What about it?"

"He looks a bit intimidating, like he wants to hurt someone." Louis says, "Do you still hang out with that guy? I mean, are you sure he's that fun to be with, as you said before?"

He hears Harry take a deep breath and Zayn shots his eyes close, resting his head against the wall.

"No, I've stopped hanging out with him. And to answer your question, he isn't that much fun to be with. It's always me who's talking while he just sits there and listens. Is so fucking frustrating."

He hears Louis laugh in return and Harry chuckles too, "Now hurry, we don't have much time."

_Oh, so that's how it is._

-

When he gets home, he doesn't cut himself.

Instead he does something much worse, something that would surely kill him.

He wanted to die.

 

He wanted to end the pain _that_ same pain that had haunted him through so many years.

The pain he thought he had forgotten.

He didn't like it, not one bit.

Everyone just seemed to turn their backs on him, even Harry...who he still seeks out for like a pathetic little dog.

Harry...who he still loved.

At six p.m sharp, he hangs himself.

 

 

_Zayn Malik is worthless._

 

Nothing could explain the disappointment Zayn had when he woke up the next morning.

He wakes up in a white room he had never seen before.

He looks around noticing people that were sitting on the couch.

He glances at his sister, who looks so happy upon seeing him awake.

He feels her hug and grimaces.

"Why am I still alive?" Zayn whispers.

"Zayn, what were you thinking?!" His mother asks from the right side. "You could have died!"

"That's just what I've been wanting to do."

_

His mom drops him off for therapy and he waits for her to disappear around the block before slipping his hands into his pockets and walking away.

He _didn't_ want to go to therapy.

He _didn't_ need help.

He had his mind set on one decision already.

_

He drops by Harry's house on the evening, mind clouded up with grief.

The door opens and Harry looks shocked, "Z-Zayn, what brings you here...what happened to you? What happened to your face?"

Zayn shrugs, "Is nothing."

"It doesn't look like nothing to m-"

Zayn looks up and doesn't waste any time. He grabs Harry by the shoulders and quickly presses his lips against his.

He feels Harry tense up, but he really doesn't care.

He's out of his mind, _really_ out of his mind.

After a few more seconds of struggling, Harry successfully pushes Zayn away and wipes his lips with the back of his hand.

"Zayn,are you mad!?"

"Yes. I am fucking mad."

"What the hell is wrong with you?"

Zayn doesn't budge as he scootches down on the floor.

He feels like he might start crying but he holds his tears back.

"Everything. _Everything'_ s wrong with me."

Instead of Harry consoling him like he would've expected, he gets insults thrown at him and he winces every time Harry calls him a bastard.

"Fuck, Zayn, you're worthless! Get the hell out of my house and don't ever talk to me again!"

He understands Harry's reaction, it's normal.

Who wouldn't get furious when your friend just harasses you suddenly, even though he knows that you're dating someone already?

But, what did strike him the most was that Harry- _Harr_ y- called him worthless.

Maybe he was right.

Maybe he _is_ right.

_Zayn Malik is irreparable and hopeless._

He didn't go to school for the past three days.

He tells his mum that he's really sick and he can't move properly.

He's devoid of emotion and just... _done_.

Done with everything. Done with his life.

In short, _he gives up_.

Everyone dislikes him but it hurts more to think of Harry.

Harry who hates him now.

Well it didn't even matter really,he hates himself, too.

No one's been paying attention to him. No one cares about him.

And he wants to end everything.

-

It didn't hurt to have a bit of hope, right?

It didn't hurt to just...wish and hope for something to change...for something to happen.

So Zayn does.

He sits down on his bed, his phone in his hand.

Not a single text message or call from anyone...and he definitely understands.

He first calls Liam, who answers on the second ring.

"Zayn, what's up?" he asks.

"Nothing, really...I just...needed to talk to someone."

"Well, I'm here. I'll always be here. Z-zayn...mate, are you okay?"

"No. Definitely not okay. But, I'll be fine." _Lies_.

And before Liam could say another word, he hangs up.

He might regret this later on, but it doesn't matter. His thumb hovers over Harry's name in his contact list and he presses 'Call.' Harry doesn't pick up and it goes to voice mail.

"H-hey, Harry? Remember me, Zayn? Well, I want to tell you something. I just realized I never told you a secret...so here it goes." he takes a shaky deep breath,"I want to die, Harry. I'm just...done. I'm done trying when everyone just seems to turn their back on me. Before I go and end this call, I just wanted to say that...I'm sorry."

He stops the voice mail and sets his phone aside, his vision blurry.

Hoping was a wrong thing to do.

At the end of the day, in this life all you'll get is disappointment.

_

He hopes this time he'll be successful.

Be successful at something for once.

He opens the medicine cabinet and grabs the pills on the far left.

Before opening the lid, he took a good look at himself in the mirror.

_Worthless._

_Pathetic._

_Hopeless._

As these words clouded his mind, he smiled bitterly at his reflection. "You're pathetic, Zayn Malik...you're a bastard."

Without a second thought he flips the lid open and swallows the pills.

And as his vision darkens he can only register one single thought in his mind.

No one is coming this time.

 

_Zayn Malik is dead._

Only when Harry comes back home from his date with Louis did he realize that he left his phone at home.

He takes it and unlocks it.

Four missed calls and three messages.

He makes a mental note to answer them all later until one particular name caught his eyes.

_Zayn Malik._

He hasn't heard from him much anymore and even though he hasn't forgiven him yet for what he did, he was still curious as to why he had called him.

Probably an apology.

He sits down on the couch and presses play, listening to what Zayn had to say.

"H-hey, Harry? Remember me, Zayn?" _Of course I do._

"Well, I want to tell you something. I just realised I never told you a secret...so here it goes." _What is this about?_

"I want to die, Harry." _Wait...what?_

"I'm just...done. I'm done trying when everyone just seems to turn their back on me. Before I go and end this call, I just wanted to say that...I'm sorry."

Harry's eyes widened in fear as he checked when the message was sent. _An hour ago. Oh God._

He couldn't think clearly.

Even though he was mad at Zayn, it didn't mean he didn't care.

It didn't mean he turned his back on him.

He quickly stands up from the couch and grabs his keys before making his way to Zayn's house.

_'Please don't tell me I'm too late.'_

While he was having fun through the weekend what was Zayn going through?

He didn't know. He didn't know anything.

When he gets to Zayn's house, he feels his heart shatter.

There was an ambulance right outside their house.

He parks and gets out, making his way inside the house, only to see Liam.

He looked grief-stricken. _'Please don't tell me he really did it.'_

Liam meets his eyes and Harry looks at him in hope of good news.

However, the brown eyed boy shakes his head in response.

"Zayn's gone." He whispers. "H-he killed himself. I should have known. Why didn't I see it? Why didn't I notice what he was going through?"

"H-he really wanted to die that much, huh?" Harry says through clenched teeth. ' _I'm too late.'_

"Harry, no one commits suicide because they want to die. They commit suicide because they want to end the pain."

**Author's Note:**

> So yeah this is kind of sad...just wanted to say I am not a depressive person.   
> Was supposed to go to tumblr or something but I wasn't very happy with it.  
> Still hope you like it send me requests or anything on the comments.  
> I'd appreciate feedback. Thank you for reading!


End file.
